Dear Night,

If I am currently thinking clearly and not mistaken, I realize that you are getting longer, day by day. There's so many things I want to tell, for I don't feel like writing at all until now. Thus, I had to divide this letter into 4 parts. But for now, how are you? I decide that I haven't been talking to you recently. All I have been doing was ranting like a mad person to the ceiling, reading some books without taking any single break, or either losing myself in all these hallowed thoughts which I never seem to find the end of. I was not busy, I only forgot to listen to your silence for quite a while, but now I know that I have to explain things.

Firstly, I am not in a good condition. Things get worse, I haven't seen the light of it since a year ago or so, now I don't want to rant about it, I just want to tell what's really happening. If I never had any mental breakdowns for a long time, now seems like a good time to have one. I'm feeling like a kid with ADHD...on high caffeine, but with nothing left to do. I don't know where to channel my rage, I don't even know who should I talk about it with now (that's why I'm talking to you), and even my OCD is over-reacting. All right I was just joking, but I don't feel like doing anything anymore, really. The hardest part is staying positive about it, which is what makes me...me. I hate myself.

I just lost a good friend, not just good "good", he's more than that. Now since you have read this far, I will tell you something I haven't shared for quite a long time. I had an older brother once, not blood-related, but I've known him since I was born. He was...how should I say it, wild in not a very good way, but he taught me so many things anyway, he protected me from everything that would harm me, the things that he is involved in. He protected me from things that he is involved in. Long story short, I lost him when I was 6, I never really lost a close relative before, the only thing I felt that time was...incompleteness. Going back, this friend of mine, I already view him as my new older brother... We had a past which he might not remember, but I do, I regret not being able to tell him. I'll pray for his serenity, I don't care anymore, he is a good person and I personally know it.

Now, the last thing wasn't really something serious. It's everyday's thing and I should have known better. I should have recognized how people take a step back from me every time I turned into someone else--or to myself?--which really disturbs my balance. My love life, on the other hand, is not helping at all. I don't feel like loving anymore, I don't even love myself and I should think about loving someone? I am too disrupted to do that. Basically, everything is not fine at all, but who the hell cares? I am good at lying, even I would believe I am doing fine. If you're thinking that I am a good person, now's the right time to change your mind. I am chaotic, my mind is always in a constant debate between light and dark, I have no time to care anything beside myself.

Okay, Night, now seems like a good time to end this letter. Again, I'm writing this far away from you, so I will not be afraid of telling you anything. No one can take off my mask anymore, no one can even make me change my mind, I want to keep going, even through a path of ambient shadows. Life is about taking stabs in the dark and who knows what I will hit--myself probably--but, who knows? And again, from far away, I will say Good Night.

Good Night,

Andri Kurniawan