Frivolous Scribbles

Long time no see, I guess. Yes, this post will be about me, but I won't exclusively be talking about myself. It'll still display my selfishness, however. As René Descartes conveyed it; "I think, therefore I am". I'd like to think my world revolves around me, that doesn't mean I assume that I'm the center of the universe. I'd like to think that what I do with my life is what truly makes me, I won't be anyone if I've never done anything. In a way, the circumstances in which you were born into is irrelevant, it's what you do with the gift of life that truly makes you.

I see myself, along with other humans, as vulnerable beings. If there's one truth in this world, it's that nothing lasts forever. But, that doesn't mean it's a bad thing, even if you end up being forgotten, even if nothing happens for a reason, and even if you feel like the whole universe is fighting against you. We live in the moment, your past doesn't define you and your future certainly cannot affect you. It's because of that moment itself, everything you do becomes priceless. Time gives everything a value, even the tiniest things.

In that fashion, it doesn't matter how long it takes for you to get to your destination. Everything is about the journey, not the destination. Some people are fast walkers, some people are slow as hell, and even though it's annoying to wait behind a grandma on a ridiculously narrow staircase, everyone gets to their destination eventually. Sure, there might be the risk of getting hit by a bus, or getting eaten alive by a bear, or God be praised, getting abducted by aliens. It doesn't matter how things end, but it certainly matters that you progress.

Lastly, don't feel bad when something ends. Instead of thinking it as a failure or a mistake, think of it as a short-lived success or even, a priceless experience. I can't promise you that everything's going to be alright, but as long as there's a reason to keep going, you can't make any excuse to stop. And that'll probably be the last of it.

hopefully without regrets,

Andri Kurniawan

The thing I hate the most nowadays is that when two people withstood the test of time, still going strong with only their love for each other, it's called "beating the odds". I mean, isn't that what you're supposed to do in a relationship from the first place? Aren't you supposed to last until the end of time? Yeah, saying it's rare these days is an understatement. People got divorced, broke up, stopped hanging out with each other... it's like an everyday's thing. What's wrong with that? Well, a lot, I'll tell you. I just don't know how to start.

Frankly, if you follow your little heart's voice now, people would just think you're stupid. I mean, with all the scams and tricks running around recently, it's good to be careful. But, personally I don't think you just have to stop trusting people like that. I've had my fair share, but I still try to believe in other people, in humanity. People deserve second chances, even third, fourth, fifth or whatever, people deserve to change. Though humans don't easily change or find enlightenment, everyone deserves living, maybe you just need to put yourself in their shoes first before realizing what they really needed. You do too, maybe we all do.

It doesn't have to do with anything, but lately I've been thinking about what I want in life for once. Usually, I just try to figure out the meaning of life; going places, talking to people, see what life has to offer. I literally don't know where I'm heading, I don't know if I even want to go the way I'm going, but I guess that's kind of okay...? I mean, none of us actually know where they were going, none of us actually remember how they even got here, life's like that, no?

Give everything chances, give them a chance until you can no longer give them one. Being hurt is just another process of living, hurting each other is just a prove that you were actually trying to understand, it goes both ways. Learn from the mistakes, live by your mistakes. It didn't stay to haunt you, it stayed to remind you of how nice things can be once you stop searching for mistakes and stumbled upon the greatness. Self-respect is overrated, don't be afraid of making a fool of yourself, because only then you will learn what you might have missed. But still, respect yourself enough to let go of things that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy. Carry on, Besties.

Enifton Maion,

Andri Kurniawan

This is a tale of a budding lass

Of a steel heart and veins of brass

Yesterday was the day she's born

To non-believers she would still have sworn

Papa gave her a mind to fill

Of undeniable experiences yet to instill

Mama gave her a heart to feel

Yet warmth and smiles barely appeal

One day, she woke up finding herself surprised

Her impeccable world is now eerily disguised

The hollow ceilings and shimmering lights

Came falling down as reality bites

Her internal clock began to tick back and forth

Her compass reluctantly pointed north

If tears can roll down, it would be raining

The word "love" is the only one left remaining

She steadily takes a bigger step ahead

Painstakingly trying to forget the times she had fled

Of all the chances given by her accustomed life

A delicate way of ending her strife

an exquisite series of clusters,

Andri Kurniawan

"Imagine life as primordial emptiness, brimming with possibilities. Hopes come bubbling down the surface, feeding the long-lost lifeless entities. Colors burst from a sea of nothingness, feeling the skies with warm lights. Yet still expanding, still flourishing, black and white keeps on fighting. Chaotic isn't the movement, it's the state of mind. Calm as the sea, dark as the night sky; destinies intertwined." 

Jika aku rintik hujan yang jatuh ke jendela kamarmu
Mengambil waktu sebelum lenyapku
Agar dapat kulengkapi hangat malam
Matamu yang tak kunjung berpejam

Jika aku melodi lantunan yang mengisi jenuhmu
Kupenuhi benakmu dengan perasaan
Agar hilang rasa tak tentumu
Kedamaianlah yang kau temukan

Jika aku detak jarum detik di jam dindingmu
Kau lihat aku dengan kegelisahan
Agar kutemani rasa sakit tak terperi
Kesadaranmu yang pelan-pelan berpisah

 Jika aku mulai merindu
Di balik jarum suntik dan tebal selimutmu
Jangan biarkan kita mendekat
Biar kunanti saat yang tepat

CHECK OUT MY SOUNDCLOUD AT HERE!!!

It's ya boi back with another random night post because I feel shit in writing recently. On to more of a serious matter, I've finally started to upload stuff to my soundcloud after extensive years of research (yeah like we haven't noticed). For now, it's mostly (by mostly I meant all of it) covers of 2hu songs. Don't ask me what 2hu is, just... try to listen to the music... and tell me if you enjoyed it... or not.

Anyway, I don't know if a part of my mind was just late to catch on or I'm just a big doof, but I've been astonished of the fact that I'm just realizing how easy it is to lose everything. Literally everything. I'm not even kidding, sometimes it seems like a joke when you try to remember how you basically didn't do anything and everything just got taken away from you. But, I guess that's life, people come and go. Though I'm lately trying hard not to do the letting go part. I don't know if I'm just so easy to let go or that I am just as toxic as any competitive online games' community, but if I ever get the chance to ask for a wish from a genie, it'd be to solve my abandonment issues. Again, not kidding, I think there's something seriously wrong with me. (Kinda late to catch on, arentcha?.)

I seriously don't get why I got this far in life, on being alive and doing stuff, I mean. But, if there's one thing that kept me going, it's the sole purpose to find reasons. If you say you don't need any reason to do something, well, you're right on that. I do stupid things without any reason all the time. Though I don't think life is one of those stupid things (or is it?), I mean they just sent you here and have a bunch of these things to do just to make a reaction video out of it and put it on youtube? That's one possibility, but of course life would have some sort of meaning. (Wasn't sending hints there, afterlife).

That's been a blob of random nonsense spouted out, hope you been livin' the good life. Though I'm sure if you read my random posts this far that means there's something seriously wrong with you too. Seriously, get some help. It's been fun composing music and using the said music to accompany you writing, so that's what I'm gonna do for now. Carry on, besties.

P.S. Ever heard of King Midas? Imagine an alternate universe where everyone he touch turns to gold, but instead as in where everyone turns to live their fullest potential and become the best persons they can be. That'd be a sicknasty power.

enifton maion,

Andri Kurniawan

YAY IT'S JUNE!

Yeah, I love June, problem? Don't ask me why, though. I don't know either. I think it's because Hujan Bulan Juni by Sapardi Djoko Damono that I began to appreciate June's rainy days. Well, not just the rainy days, I think June has the best weather compared to the rest of the year. Do you know what's better than rainy days, though? Rainy nights. Best weather for sleeping? No, I stayed that shit all night just to listen to the sound of rain. I am weird like that.

Random question alert, if by Odin's magic you were given the chance to communicate with one object (dead, not living, not once living and now dead) what would it be? I think I'll be using my chance to talk with a park bench. But why? Why indeed, honestly I don't know. I mean, you could talk to an airplane and ask about how the entire world looks like from a bird's eye view. You could talk with the sea and ask about how deep the ocean goes, what's hidden under there, where does Poseidon actually lives, and other important stuffs. But, I just wanna chat with a park bench, I don't know. Maybe a couple made up or broke up there, maybe some dad was having a hard time telling his kid about the divorce, maybe a homeless man was once giving a lecture to a salaryman who just happened to pass by, maybe I was once there, just looking up at the sky, and the bench would ask me back instead. I am weird like that. 

If you've watched How I Met Your Mother (it's a good show, by the way, go watch it if you haven't), you'll be familiar with this quote. "It's one thing to not want something, it's another to be told you can't have it". I love Robin, I mean, like Robin, as a friend. Whatever, it's cool, I'm cool. Enough with the references. If there's ever an award for Most Painful Mistake Everyone Ever Made, being ungrateful of what you currently have would definitely be one of the strong candidates (don't ask about what the rest are about, number four will shock you!). My sister always hated seafood, but one time she was diagnosed with allergies for prawns. Surprisingly after that, she have never craved for prawns more than that time in her entire life. So she ate it, and she regretted it, I can tell because her face are turning red. Well, not just her face, her body too, she was itching all over. Anyway, better take care of what you still have, because time is a big meanie who likes to take anyone's toys. Carry on, besties.

enifton maion,

Andri Kurniawan

Words, travel fast these days, huh? The idea of being able to communicate with people around the globe is of course fascinating. In fact, I honestly can't live without checking my phone every now and then. Checking up your phone is like the ultimate escape from awkwardness, especially in crowded places. Now, the only time I stop checking out my phone is when it ran out of power.

It's like whenever I check on my social medias (I only use Line and Instagram, btw) there's always bad news spreading like a goddamn flu on a pollen-filled spring, you get what I'm saying. Yeah, I'm tired of reading these things. Whether it's about the new creative way of doing crime, politicians who did crime (or crimes, I think politic news are only fun when someone end up going to jail, just kidding, people get accused of silly crimes all the time), about religions and stuff (calm down, I'll explain in a bit), and last not but least "How to: Be a Better Person for Dummies" posts.

I'm not gonna talk about the crimes, while these kinds of events don't affect your personal life a bit, talking about them online is like helping spread the mentioned way of doing crime. Of course they only meant to warn people about their views as a victim, but sometimes the way they tell their stories only worsen the situation, you know? But, I'm not gonna talk about crimes.

Politics is the new up and coming topic for young adults, it's like when you don't know about someone doing the something to somebody somewhere somewhen you HAVE to know. It's not that politics is bad, it just helps when you stay quiet about the politics that don't happen in your land. Let me make this clearer, the election of a goddamn mayor or governor or whatever on a city where YOU DON'T LIVE doesn't fricking affect you. That's all.

Talking about religions is good, discussing them online without the guidance of an expert is bad. There's a lot, like A LOT, of information on what you should and shouldn't do based on your religion. Sometimes, it reminds you to get back to the right way, sometimes it messes with your head because you don't understand and took the info the wrong way. I'm tired of hearing "all religions are based of peace", because of course they are, it's the people who are mostly not.

Last, but not least, self improvement posts. I don't even get why this is a thing. You want to be a better person? Listen to your mother, dummy. "But, what about the people who doesn't have the chance to be loved by their mother?" Well yeah, that's a good excuse to be a douchebag. Listen to people who actually cares about you, instead of doing "self-improvements" which will only make you feel like you're the weird one and you HAVE to be a better person. Because, 9 out of 10 times, you won't change anyway. 

So, instead of reading things on your own, it's better to ask someone close to you about this personal things. Sharing your views is not bad, just remember there's always a good way and a bad way of doing things. And for the people who cares about you, please stop playing your phone while you chat with them, or worse, eat with them. Setting the health talk aside, eating with your right hand while your left hand holding the phone is damn rude, man. Well, that was kinda long... Carry on, besties.

Clyde doesn't even remember the last time he went home, but after what happened yesterday, he decided to have some time for himself. He called his mom to let her know that he's going home, after his mom asked the details, Clyde just said he just got back from a funeral of a friend.

Clyde knocked on the front door, he feels a little anxious to meet his parents, but it's better than having to live his normal life for a while. Not long after, his mom opened the door. It was just like old times, his parents were never the talkative type. They could go all day without speaking to each other, just a simple yes or no--or sometimes, a nod--would suffice for his parents. Clyde went in, trying to hide the fact that he needed someone.

"Is everything okay?" his mom asked out of the blue. For a moment, there was only silence as Clyde tries to figure out how to react.

"N-no, it's nothing." Clyde hurried to his room, with watery eyes.

Life is inevitable. If there's one thing I have learned throughout my entire time of living, you can't run away from your own life. Life isn't some kind of muscular bully you can avoid by giving them your lunch money, though they both might end up punching you right on your face. Still, if everything has been written down, why worry? Anyway, how do you think does that thing work? I mean, if everything has been written down, does that mean you can't really change anything? Well, personally, I live my life like it's a work in progress. There are certain points I will eventually get into, it's like when you're writing this kinda long story, you have to start with some points, right? Like, you figure out the background story first, then you might want to think of the ending, and then you want to make conflicts between them. It's like that, you'd eventually get to these points, and you can't escape it, but how do you arrive and who you will be arriving as, is actually up to your decisions. Well, that's one way to look at it.

Lately, I've been thinking about the people around me. But first, let me tell you I'm the type of person who wouldn't fix what's not broken. Meaning, I live a simple life. Meaning, I don't want to seek attentions. Meaning, I might be a jerk to some people, but I'm totally fine with it. Meaning, no, I don't care about you as long as you don't care about me. That turned kinda long... Anyway, I'm just tired of people blaming and blaming and blaming and blam--you get my point, yeah, I'm tired of people just keep on giving the blame to each other. I mean, instead of finding the mistakes, why don't we start with finding the goodness? Because for what it's worth, what would you get by bringing someone down? Just because you hate someone's personality doesn't mean you have to hate their life, you wouldn't know what that someone is going through. Isn't it better to give more care to people you actually love, instead of spending the effort to seclude the people you hate?

Sometimes, I regret telling my stories to people because they listen to reply to me, not to actually understand me. I actually hate the "pitying look", if you have been through the same phase, surely you must understand. Also, I read "life-changing" posts all over the internet with thousand likes and reposts, but I know that wouldn't change anything. You can't help someone who's further than the reach of your arms, if you think you can, technology surely have must blinded you. Even when writing this, I am fully aware about the possibility of me looking like a dumbass, but that's my calling. So, what we can conclude is, instead of spending all the effort to something you might not be able to do, you might wanna try to relive the experiences near you. (What the heck does that mean, Ndri?). Anyway, you get what I'm saying. Carry on, besties.

enifton maion,

Andri Kurniawan

By the time you read this, I would probably be asleep thinking about you, the late night conversations that we lately had, and the spaces between my fingers where yours should have been. To be honest, you changed me, I would never thought that I can be this defenseless. I never believed that I, who is more of a realist, would be brave enough to consider a certain dream where you will be waiting for me.

I'm just enjoying the breaths that I take, absorbing what's left of you while you're dozing off, and realizing how much can a person just complete you so. I would be dreaming about the future that we share, the little jokes that wouldn't stop making our heart race, and all the plans that we have made... if I hadn't been scared. It just weighs me so that the more you fall for someone and the more you get convinced to them, the more you'd be afraid of the reality to be taking them away from you. Sometimes, it's that ironic.

I want to fight my fears with you. Even though I would end up hurting myself, I just wanted to love you more than this. I don't know what spell you cast on me, I even loved your selfishness. In the end, this might sound like I'm daydreaming or that I am just that unsteady when it is about you. Anything can happen in the future and I don't know if I'm taking the right steps every time I try to get closer to you, but what I know is that... you made me a believer.

Whenever people ask me about my strengths and weaknesses, I always said to them "My strength is acknowledging my weaknesses, and my weakness is being fully aware of my strengths". It's because I don't really believe that there's something you can't actually do in this world, in the end we failed to achieve something because either we don't really put all of our heart into it or we just need more time and another try to be able to get to that point. And just to add, duality has always been my mentor's favorite subject to discuss about.

Black and white, yin and yang, life and death, and so much more. I believe at this point everyone had basically learned of this simple yet intriguing concept. Yet, there's so much we can learn and apply to our everyday life from this simple concept. I, for one, always try to use this concept to uphold my righteous senses, my guidance through major life decisions, and how I try to affect the people around me. Let's talk about the most common things, ever heard about tiny white lies? I imagine this as the little white dot (yang) inside the black (yin) area, this symbolizes even the evilest act you can possibly imagine always leaves a good purpose even though it's so little that no other can see it. This applies the other way around, take being a hypocrite for an example. Even with all the white surrounding you, you still have this one little black dot inside you just haunting you within your dreams. Even though you end up living a good life, the thoughts of achieving something good through a bad way will always make your life less enjoyable even a little.

Now, let's talk about love and relationship. Many people wonder about how to actually love someone truly, accepting them the way they are or wishing to help them be a better person? Even though the answer has always been so simple, and of course it's by balancing the both of them. Accept their flaws, even though they have bad habits, who knows those bad habits would someday save you or would just make your day. Help them chase their greatness, push them to the direction they really want to go to. It's that simple, but humans start to forget about simplicity in life.

I always try my best to do positive things, even though my negative thoughts would haunt me now and then. But I just went with it, I didn't fight over myself just because I'm depressed or anything. In the end, you can't rush finding balance, it just finds you when you're least expecting. Lastly, always remember the things that keep you warm may also burn you and things that can quench your thirst may also drown you. Carry on, besties.

Dear Night,

By the time you read this, you're probably somewhere far away, wandering in the cold afternoon, playing with the snow. I'm doing fine... or whatever we used to call it, I'm not currently fighting the urge of my old habit. Don't ask about my love life, you know the best that it's just a constant cycle of getting it on and moving on. But, how exactly are you doing? I want to hear that, really.

I am worried. Well, I don't have anyone else to talk to, so I'm worried if it might be the same for you. I mean, trying to keep everything in place by yourself is hard, not to mention if we can no longer share it with anyone. No, don't worry about me, I'm just tracing back my footsteps. I hope you won't though, just find another way that is better for you.

Do you know that there's actually 4 kinds of love? I really like Greek's because they can capture love with these different terms perfectly. They said there's 4 kinds of love--agape, eros, philia, and so on--and they are all so different. Agape is the love that transcends, it's basically the love of God to its creation, and from its creation to God, but it can also mean as the love for everyone (selfless love). Eros is mostly the love of sexual passion, or should I say, intimate love. Philia is the love of affection between equals, like deep friendship, brotherly love or family. Now, I'm not really sure about the last one, some said it's pragma or the longstanding love (like between old married couples), some other said it's Philautia or the love of self, some even said there's completely six of them including Ludus or playful love. Fascinating, huh?

Well, sorry this turned a kinda bit long, I know you don't have much time for me. No, I'm not blaming you, I know how the day works and I'm not that stupid. Don't think too much, okay? Sometimes knowing will only hurt you more. Again, I'm writing this far away from you, so I'm not scared of being honest. Anyway, be fine.

I meet a sweet kid carrying some beets on the street

Her feet is bleeding, yet she keeps doing her deed

Not a fleeting moment to weep, is her creed

In the freezing winter, she creep up to greet the cold sheets

"I like to play in the snow," she told me

Losing warmth in my hands, I leave her be

In the midst of where nightlights were set free

Sleeping with loneliness with nothing to see

"I too, like to play in the snow," I thought to myself

Almost growing pointy ears like a winter elf

So I retrace my steps to where she stood tall

Her eyes are still glowing, looking over all

I light my match and we share the fire

Also the melodies of a heavenly choir

We dance through the night like a pair of lovers

My inner child grinned as he discovers

The morning comes and I lose sight of her

Like the taste buds leaving their connoisseur

So I try to reminisce the sweetness yet again

But all I can remember now was the pain

a nutcracker by the fireplace,

Andri Kurniawan

Steam winter sale has ended, but my inventory is still loaded with gifts. Got this extra game and decided to share if you want. Nidhogg is a local multiplayer action fencing game with shitty retro graphics, but A HELLA AWESOME GAMEPLAY. Anyway, you can find out more about Nidhogg here.

Just punch that button if you want to enter the giveaway, and make sure you have a Steam account though. Also, it's only three days left if I didn't miscount, so sorry bout that. Also again, happy new year, I guess? Doesn't really feel that different to me, to be honest. But hey, this is not a random post! Happy gaming, fellas.

EDIT : Grats for Minh for winning :3