"Put the knife down," Dad said to me. Despite the tense atmosphere, everyone was still sitting down in the dining room, except me. I ran to the kitchen again to grab this knife for the countless time.

I lowered the knife, which was pointing at my chest the whole time and I finally let go of it. I never realize how tight I gripped the hilt until now, my hands feel numb, just like how my entire body feels. I feel ashamed of myself, but I do feel more ashamed of them. 

You just can't handle your problems well.

You need to take it easy and stop being so dramatic. 

You're only a boy, stop thinking so much about everything.

They don't understand and neither do I. It's not like I wanted to be this way, it's not like I was happy hurting myself. It just came once in a while and I... I don't know what to do. My life always feel so empty and I end up filled with nonsense. My mind turned into a train of thoughts, and before I knew it, I would keep the words they said to me like another scar.

Yes, sometimes words are knives and often leave scars, but that wouldn't be happening if you don't take them to heart. Then again, it's not for me to say. I guess I have to try to open up a little, because they said there will be no harm in doing that.

Well, they lied to me. The more I opened up, the more they'll leave me be. They said I'm being dramatic again, they said I talk too much about the unimportant things. It was you guys who talk too much! Just how long do you guys think I've been listening to your whining? I just never said anything because I know how it hurts to be turned down... I never really opened up to someone, not even once. That's why once I found someone appropriate, I ended up talking too much. In the end, they would hate me for telling these kinds of things. I'm so stupid, right?

But, I survived this dreadful accident called life. I can feel my breath as it goes to leave my mark behind on this beautiful world. I put up a facade and I fake my confidence, so eventually it will come to me. And I'm up to try to help anyone with the same sorrowful eyes, so one day everyone will get the attention they deserve. I'm alive, only because this pain is keeping me so.

the trigger you haven't pulled yet,

Andri Kurniawan